My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
