I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
