Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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