When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
