obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
