I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize