Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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