someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize