I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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