I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
