I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
