Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
