I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Mom said you looked used
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
