grandma shit on top of the toilet
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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