Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
