i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
