she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
