Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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