I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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