After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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