I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
