He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
