he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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