pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
