she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
