I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
