How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He passed out mid-signature
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
