i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
