I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
