I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
