you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
