Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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