***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize