Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
