Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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