Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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