When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
