i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
