Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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