dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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