Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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