she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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