she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
