Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
