I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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