hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
