hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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