two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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