Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
