I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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