Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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