I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
