how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
