She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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