Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
