I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
